Self-esteem Shaming: What it is and why it needs to stop

If you don't love yourself, that's okay. I thought I'd start off with that as you may not have heard it for a while. We live in a culture where self love is celebrated and encouraged which of course is incredible; long gone are the days where if you said you looked good you'd be met with, "You're so big headed!"

I love to see people loving themselves, it's a beautiful thing and there's nothing more I want than to feel that way too: except I don't.

It seems to be a new trend on social media where people are putting out this message that if you don't love yourself you're 'bad vibes'. I see an abundance of tweets everyday along the lines of "Imagine not thinking you're the hottest person in the world" and "How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?" This message is beyond toxic and has made me feel shame and guilt for the fact I sometimes struggle with my appearance and is bound to cause hundreds of other people the same feeling.

The thing is, loving yourself is easier with the more privilege you have: if you're white, slim and non-disabled society will (disgustingly) deem you prettier than your peers who do not fit into those categories. If you're lucky enough to never have been bullied or slandered for the way you look then you also will inevitably find it easier. Multiple factors come into play when it comes to blockages preventing one from feeling beautiful.

I have privilege in the way that I am white and of a naturally slim build, but I do have a face that isn't deemed pretty by society's conventions, and for which I faced years of horrific bullying both in person and online, and it still continues into adulthood. For a lot of us who grew up not being deemed pretty by society, any compliments or self love has an attachment of embarrassment or shame with it, for example, were you ever asked out on a date as a joke at school, for everyone to laugh when you accepted or rejected? If you're answer is no, my guess is that you probably believe people when they ask you out on dates and say you're attractive. If this has happened to you, then my guess is that you don't believe people when they express an attraction to you.

The fear of feeling love for myself and the fear of expressing it on social media is wrapped up in the idea of humiliation, as if people would read it and think 'what on earth is she talking about?', that my face would be floating around group chats as a joke. Even most relationships or intimate situations entered as an adult often end in body shaming or derogatory comments, and I'm most definitely not the only person on the planet who has experienced this.

Of course it's important to try and build a healthy relationship with yourself, but it's damn well difficult and not straightforward and we should not shame or question why someone doesn't like themselves, after all, has your own self-dislike affected your love for others? Has it made you any less of a kind person? A good person? Probably not. So why are we pushing our insecure friends away? Treating these people with the same love and support as your confident friends is one way in which you can help them blossom. Someone else's self-esteem does not affect yours, the two are mutually exclusive and both incredibly personal.

By all means, continue to preach about how important it is to love yourself, but don't shame those who aren't there, instead your gentle encouragement can help them to reach that point or at the very least just leave them be.