How to Support a Survivor of Sexual Assault #SAAM
- Rachel Roberts
- Apr 9, 2020
- 5 min read
April is sexual assault awareness month, and while this month is important for starting conversation around the topic of any sexual assault or abuse and spreading the message of consent, it’s vital we talk about this every month, every year, all the time. Sexual assault affects anyone of any gender, and the numbers of sexual assault cases are heartbreaking.
Rape Crisis states that:
Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16 - 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that's roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour.
Only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence report to the police
Approximately 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator prior to the offence
The truth is that unless you have experienced sexual abuse, it’s hard to understand it and now how to support survivors. Many people have the image that rape happens in dark alleyways at night or outside nightclubs, but this is not the case. Most of the time, perpetrators are friends, family, or acquaintances with the person they abuse. Sexual abuse can happen anywhere, at any time and be carried out by anyone, whether you are married, in a relationship, single, young or old. Rape and sexual abuse is carried out whenever there is no consent. If someone says no, pushes away, or just doesn’t seem comfortable, this is not consent. If the person is also under the legal age to have sex or under the influence of drugs/alcohol they can also not consent, and this is rape.
If you know someone who has been sexually abused and/or raped, you may not know what to say to support them or how to help. Hopefully this advice will help and while I am not a professional, I have my own personal experience of this issue and know what support I would have found useful, but everybody is different and deals with trauma differently, it’s vital you also reach out to organisations which can offer professional support (I will leave links to these at the end of the post.)
Instead of referring to the person as a victim, try to use the phrase survivor more often. The word victim may make people feel like they are weak, by calling them a survivor instead it makes a good start in helping that person to realise that they are strong and have survived that trauma and will continue to do so.
Please do not ask questions such as ‘Why didn’t you fight?’, ‘What were you wearing?’, ‘How much had you had to drink?’. These questions make the survivor feel like their emotions are not valid and can make people feel like what happened to them wasn’t a big deal or it was somehow their fault when this is absolutely not the case. These questions do not matter or have any relevancy to someone’s experience of abuse. The only person who caused the abuse is the abuser themselves. Make sure you reassure the survivor that what happened to them was not their fault.
If you know or have any connections with the abuser, please block and delete them from any social media and cut contact with them in person. Still having a connection with that person after the survivor has told you their story can be really upsetting for them, it can make them feel like you haven’t taken them seriously and lets the abuser continue with normality, please cut any ties with them as you would not want a person like that in your life anyway.
Offer lifts to and from counselling, doctors appointments or to the police station etc. If you don’t drive, offer to accompany the survivor on the bus or walk with them. That bit of extra support can mean a lot and having someone to talk to on the way can help them feel more relaxed and ready to talk and share their thoughts more when they get to their appointment.
Do not try to force the survivor to tell the police, every individual who has suffered abuse has the right to decide whether or not they would like to tell the police. While it can be useful to encourage them to access support services such as charity organisations or therapy, telling the police is harder and can be a scary concept for some survivors, please support their decision whether they decide to or not.
If you are in a relationship with a survivor or are sexually active with someone who has a history of abuse, please understand they may need to take things very slow. Make sure you let them know you want to take things at their pace and have open clear communication. Check in with them throughout and ask, ‘Is this okay?’, ‘Are you comfortable with this?’. If the survivor is ever upset and begins to find it difficult, you should stop straight away. Ask if the person would like to talk about it or what they need right now. This may be just a hug, a chat or even some space. They may want a distraction like the TV or music or going for a walk. It’s important to ask as every person is different.
Check in with them often. Offer to meet up or ring/text for a chat, it’s often easy for people to reply ‘fine’ or ‘I’m alright’ when you ask them how they are, try to rephrase your questions such as ‘How are you doing really?’, ‘How are you coping? Is there anything I can do for you?’, ‘What’s making you feel hopeful lately?’, ‘What have you got to look forward to at the moment? Shall we go to ____ together?’. Remind the person they can reach out to you at any time.
If you are a survivor yourself, remember to be kind and patient with yourself, healing is not a straightforward journey. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and release them in your art, writing, music, fitness, whatever it may be that your passionate about. Never feel like you have to forgive your abuser in order to move forward, remind yourself that now it’s more important than ever to love yourself, tell yourself that you have been through enough and don’t take anger out on yourself. Take hot baths, eat whatever food you love, wrap yourself in your favourite blanket, do whatever makes you feel calm.
Do not check in on your abuser, do not contact them, look at photos of them or find their social media, block and delete and cut any ties. Surround yourself with people who want the best for you and that make you happy. It may help some days to treat yourself like you would a young child by keeping things simple and not putting pressure on yourself to carry on with normal life. If you want to eat junk food, do it! If you want to do nothing but sit around and watch Sponge Bob all day, then go ahead.
You are not to blame, and time will make it easier. Reach out for help and get in touch with trusted organisations which can help. Booking in to see a GP is a good start too.
Here are some resources which will be helpful:
Rape Crisis: rapecrisis.org.uk
Women against rape: womenagainstrape.net
The Survivors Trust: thesurvivorstrust.org
For male survivors: survivorsuk.org
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